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When we speak, you need to know that I will be coming from the fundamental assumption that you are 100% valuable, completely worthy, deserving of all good things, lovable, whole and complete.

If you do not believe this about yourself, this would be a good place to start your work.

Key steps:
1. Find your painful thought.

2. Examine the evidence.

3. Choose a new thought (you may need to start with a bridge thought that is more believable right now).
4. Practice the new thought and collect evidence for it.

I do believe we are all innately capable of that.

We need to figure out why we don’t allow ourselves to do this.

Often, this is due to trauma or how we’ve been socialized.

Essentially, I want you to think about whether or not you love yourself as being a result you create for yourself through your conscious choices.

Being a person who loves themselves is essentially being a person who consistently chooses love. They choose loving thoughts, the create loving emotions, they speak and act in loving ways.

The best way that I’ve found to do this is the principle of “living as if.”
You essentially create evidence of your innate lovability by loving yourself without any conditions attached.

(See Self Guided Exercises: Becoming Work for how-to)

Why you do things matter.

In this program, I will not be prescribing a set of actions or activities to the entire group.

What I want is for you to embrace your own agency and sovereignty and trust your ability to make decisions based on your inner wisdom and personal desires.

I want you to move away from self-judgment and people-pleasing.

When we engage in personal development from a place of self-judgement (I should be exercising everyday, I should eat better, I should have a morning routine), it can feel like an exhausting uphill climb that drains us.

I want you do think of this work as freedom. You have been carrying around a heavy backpack of rocks. These rocks represent your own self-judgment, the parts of yourself that you dislike and push away, the ways that you disregard your wisdom, your body’s wisdom, and the wisdom of your nervous system. What I want for you is to put them down.

As you put them down, you will get more clear on what YOU want. And from there you can make choices for yourself that feel good to you.

Let’s get meta-here and use the self-coaching model to model the act of self-coaching.

You can self-coach from a place of judgement or one of love, acceptance, and compassion.

C - When I journaled today, I wrote down the thought, “I mess everything up.”
T - There is something wrong with me for thinking that way.

F - broken

A - use the self-coaching model to choose a new thought; pretend I believe it even if I don’t; try to ignore the part of me that believes I mess everything up; feel anxious that the thought won’t go away

R - I reinforce the idea that something is wrong with me for thinking that way.

Managing our mind because we think there is something wrong with us only only strengthens the idea that something needs to be fixed.

You can also notice the thought, have compassion for your brain, and then move into self-coaching from an understanding that minds need to be managed.

C - When I journaled today, I wrote down the thought, “I mess everything up.”
T - That’s a thing brains do sometimes.
F - acceptance

A - use the self-coaching model to choose a new thought that feels true, let the old thought be there with compassion

R - I am accepting of my human brain.


I don’t want you to do ANYTHING unless you can do it from love, care, and compassion.

Here are some important points to know about emotions:

They are vibrations in your body.

They aren’t harmful.

They last about 90 seconds.

They come with physical sensations.

They aren’t morality issues.

They are information.

They need to be felt and processed.

MOST emotions come from our thoughts (sentences in the brain).

SOME emotions come from PTSD and cPTSD flashbacks, or are generated by our nervous system without language present.

Feeling an emotion is different than expressing an emotion.

Resisting an emotion makes it last longer.

Your “thinking brain” is the part of your brain that has language centers. It is comprised of conscious thoughts and unconscious thoughts. Conscious thinking happens within the mind, while unconscious thought is the result of brain wiring.

The brain is efficient. Over time it learns what we think about certain things and thinks thoughts automatically. I may refer to this in terms of “old wiring” or talk about “neural pathways” or “neural networks.” These are thoughts that we chose at one point (even if we didn’t know it) and practiced enough that we believe them. These will come up automatically.

When dealing with mindset work (thinking brain), the key is to notice the thoughts (without judgement), question the thoughts, choose new thoughts when the old ones aren’t serving you, and then practice the new thoughts.

Over time, the conscious choices you make with your mind will rewire the brain.

You also have a nervous system and parts of your brain that are not connected to your thinking brain.

Neuoception is the subconscious process by which the brain determines what is safe and unsafe. And, when it deems something unsafe, it will move you into a fight, flight, or freeze response as a way to keep you safe. This all happens automatically and without conscious thought. It is meant to keep you safe.

Many people are confused by this, mistaking a fight or flight response (which often feels like anxiety) for a conscious mindset choice that they can control.

When you are dealing with a nervous system response, you must stop to self-regulate and self-comfort before you try to begin any sort of mindset work or deeper understanding of the situation. If you are in fight or flight you will not have access to your full brain and will come to unhelpful conclusions.

The biggest way for me to understand if I’m dealing with a nervous system response or a mindset issue is how I feel in my body.

Years ago I read a book by Brooke Castillo (really successful life coach) on a self-coaching model she created to help apply personal development work. I love it and teach it to all my people. I will likely use it in sessions, so I want you to be familiar with it.

Basic concepts:

Everything in the world can be split into one of 5 categories: circumstances, thoughts, feelings, actions, and results.

Circumstances = neutral, factual things in the world. Circumstances include anything outside your control, including other people and the past.

Thoughts = sentences in your brain.

Feelings = emotions

Actions = Things you do or don’t do both internally and externally.

Results = will always link back to thought to provide evidence for it. Results include tangible measurable things, as well as less concrete things like how we experience reality and who we become.

The Model flows in order:

Circumstances trigger Thoughts.

Thoughts create Feelings.

Feelings drive Actions, Inactions, and Reactions.

Actions create our results and reinforce our thinking.

We write the model like this:
C -

T -

F -

A -

R -

This tool can be utilized for almost any situation to help you understand how your thoughts create your reality.

In this example, a person might find themselves not taking action on their to do list:

C - There are 10 items on my to do list for today.

T - I will never get all that done.

F - defeated

A - procrastinate by getting a cup of coffee and a snack; avoid these tasks by doing something else like laundry or checking email

R - I don’t even try to get it all done.


That is what happened when the mind wasn’t managed. We can use the same tool to create a different result by choosing a different thought.

C - there are 10 items on my to do list for today.
T - I can get the most important things done.

F - capable
A - choose the most important 1-3 items from the list, start on those
R - I get my most important things done.

One of the keys to using this tool in a way that benefits you as opposed to one that makes you feel terrible, is really recognizing what you CAN control and what you CAN’T.

Some examples of things you cannot control:
- Subconscious neuroception (what your brain decides is unsafe)
- Nervous system responses to perceived danger

-PTSD & cPTSD flashbacks

-Physical illness

-Brain fog

-Brain chemistry

If you can’t control it, it goes in the Circumstance line of the model.

You get to decide what you choose to think on purpose about the situation.

The goal is to choose conscious thoughts of SAFETY and AGENCY.

This can prevent or lessen the second wave of stress hormones.

When we are dealign with the nervous system, we can put the entire trauma response in the C line. (Anything you can’t control goes in the C line and you cannot control your subconscious neuroception or how your nervous system is activated.)

We can’t control that we had a trauma trigger (that’s due to subconscious neuroception), and we may initially have some negative thoughts bubble up, but then we can choose what we want to think about the whole situation on purpose.

Many people have really negative thoughts after something like this, like:

This is awful.

I want this to go away.

I hate it when this happens.

How can I ever succeed if this keeps happening?

This isn’t fair.

I can’t handle this.

I’m so screwed up.

But, you can also choose positive thoughts in response to something like this:

I love myself no matter what.

I can handle this.
I have tools for this.

I have what I need to get through this.

However I handle this is enough.

I am whole and complete.

My nervous system is trying to protect me. (thank your nervous system for this).
I’m okay.

Or, you can choose ones that are simply less negative:
That wasn’t ideal, but it’s okay.

That was inconvenient, but I’m okay.

Healing is a process, and I’m on the journey.

Start by being in a compassionate and loving space towards the response. Then you CAN take actions to self-regulate and even do inner healing work to (over time) potentially change your future subconscious responses, but don’t beat yourself up for something that you couldn’t control.

Your autonomic nervous system is the part of the nervous system responsible for control of the bodily functions not consciously directed, such as breathing, the heartbeat, and digestive processes.

Your autonomic nervous system has two main branches: sympathetic and parasympathetic.

According to the Polyvagal theory, the parasympathetic nervous system has two states: ventral vagal and dorsal vagal.

When we feel SAFE, we are in ventral vagal parasympathetic (rest and digest).

When we are threatened but believe we can either fight or flee from the danger, we go into sympathetic (fight or flight). This is a very active state and the nervous system prepares the body to run or fight.

When we are threatened but believe we can’t win, we go into dorsal vagal parasympathetic (freeze). In this state, we dissociate, numb, and prepare for death.

The goal is to be able to know where you are in this cycle so that you can self-regulate.

When we enter sympathetic mode, we want to be able to complete cycle and come back into ventral vagal. But many of us don’t. We get stuck in fight or flight and/or end up in a freeze response.

Understanding where you are in this cycle typically comes from paying attention to your body and somatic sensations.

Again, the goal is understanding, not diagnosis. When you experience nervous system responses, your brain is doing its job to try to keep you safe. And it’s not something you are consciously doing. The hope is that from that space you can enter into compassion for yourself and your brain/ANS and begin to work with your nervous system, rather than beating yourself up unnecessarily.

One way to get a good sense of where your system is at is to use a device that tracks your heart rate.

When I was in sympathetic (fight or flight) all the time, my heart rate was around 90-100 bmp even when resting.

When I’m in parasympathetic mode, my resting heart rate is in the 60’s.

Everyone’s “normal” is a little different, but getting to know your numbers can give you information.

For some of you, that will increase your anxiety. But if you’re like me and tend to shove down emotions or downplay your experiences, this can really help.

There are a number of products that will do this with a variety of price ranges. Some examples would be a low end Fitbit, an Apple watch, or an Oura ring.

You need to know what you can and cannot handle in terms of looking at your past.

If you haven’t first worked with a therapist but have acute trauma or shock trauma that you haven’t looked at or struggle with any sort of mental health, please consider doing this work with a trained professional.

This is an ideal exercise for those of you who have done initial healing and can easily talk about your past, but want to know what might be holding you back now.

Even if you’re able to talk about these things without detrimental effects, they can still be emotionally draining. These exercises will help you retain some emotional distance so that you can observe without getting really bogged down.

The movie screen:

You’re in the audience of a movie theater and the events of your past are being played on a screen. You can watch it, but it isn’t live and it isn’t real.

The interrogation room:

This is especially great for understanding why certain people trigger you. Put that person behind the 2-way glass of an interrogation room. Visualize that you are standing outside of the room where they can’t see you and don’t know you’re there. Observe them in a clinical way to try to uncover what about their behavior bothers you.

The microscope:

Imagine you’re a scientist in a lab. You’re about to view the situation through a microscope. You have to look through the lens to see it because it’s so small. And at any point you can simply lift your eye from the lens.

The explorer:

Imagine you are about to explore a cave or other natural area. You’ve got your explorer outfit on (khaki hat and cargo pants included!). Now, put a stake in the ground outside the cave. That is the present and that is the truth. Now, tie one end of a rope around the stake and the other end around your waist. You’re going to look around a little bit, but at any point you can simply follow that rope right back out.

Again, it is important that you are personally ready for this work. Some of you won’t be or will need to do this as part of EMDR or therapy, especially if you are dealing with captial T trauma, acute trauma, or shock trauma.

For the rest of you:
Create a timeline of memories in your life that were difficult for you. Think about times when you experienced pain, confusion, a loss of control, an abuse of power; or situations where you felt small, betrayed, helpless, or belittled.

You do NOT need to relive the whole situation, just write the bullet points down.

Record them in chronological order based on age (or school grate, or stage or life - whatever makes sense for you).

Include major life changes: moving, changing schools, birth and deaths, etc.

Then, add in physical injuries, especially head injuries (even if minor), mold exposure, or general anesthesia. If you know of any trauma that happened in utero, you can also include that.

Add in relevant medical history and timeline of symptoms.

(Note if there is any correlation between trauma/physical injury and the appearance of symptoms.)

There will be more steps to this, so yo might want to do this in table in word documents or an excel spreadsheet.

Now, for each thing you listed, go through an list how it impacted you. Things like:

What did you come to believe about yourself?

What did you come to believe about how the world works?

What did you come to believe about your place in the world?

What did you learn about other people?

What things did your subconscious mind learn was unsafe?

Now, for each situation you listed, go back through and decide what that younger version of you needed to hear.

You can’t change what other people did or said in the past, but what did that child need that they didn’t get?

Write it down for each one.

Example:

I have a memory of my dad and his brothers sitting around talking. I wanted to share an idea with them, but was ignored and told to go away because they were having grown-up time.

Younger me got the message that her ideas were less valuable than those of grown-ups. This (along with a lot of other much more major memories) led me to believe that I should be quiet and not speak up.

What I needed to hear was:
”I love hearing your thoughts. You are so creative. Your ideas are so valuable. Keep sharing your wonderful mind with the world.”


NOTE: I chose this example in particular because it’s very minor. And this isn’t even a situation where my dad did anything wrong or abusive. But younger me felt small in that situation and it contributed to me playing small as an adult.

In your mind, go back to the time in your life when you were the age that each event happened.

Have a conversation with that younger version of yourself where you say the things you needed to hear.

The more concrete the visualization, the better!

This is a set of activities that you can use for people in your life who you are struggling with.

This is not meant to work through relationships in which abuse is present.

These exercises are ideal for areas where you have expectations for how people “should” behave. (Think about things like your partner not cleaning up after themselves, your child rolling their eyes at you, or your in-laws not honoring your wishes.)

The Manual Questions are adapted from work I did with one of my past coaches (Brooke Castillo) and are not all original.

You can do these in one sitting, or do a couple of questions each day over the course of a week.

This works best if you don’t read ahead. Answer each question fully before reading ahead to the next step.

The Judge Your Neighbor section outlines doing The Work, which is a process created by Byron Katie.

1. Pick person of Focus

2. Judge the person. Don't hold back. Let all the judgments out. Don't try to edit or be appropriate or kind. Be petty.

3. Go back through your judgments from #2 and put a star by any of them that are also true for you.

(Notice: Many of our judgments about others are projections of ourselves.)

4. Describe the "manual" you have for this person. What are your expectations of them? What do you want them to do and why? Let yourself go to a perfect world where they do exactly what you want them to do, right when you want it. Be specific. Don’t self-edit about what’s realistic.

5. What would you be thinking and feeling if they did all of these things perfectly?

(Notice that you can think and feel these things anyway).

6. Allow them to be who they are meant to be. Who are they? What do they do? How do they act? What are they consistent in? If you don't control/interfere, who are they in their actions?

7. Why do you imagine they do these things and are this way? What do you imagine their thoughts are that are driving their actions?

8. Unconditional love. Do you love this person unconditionally? Why or why not? Make a note below of when you do love them and when you try to withhold love or not feel love for them. Remember, their lovability is 100%, so what's your excuse when you don't love them?

9. How do YOU show up in this relationship? Do you show up knowing that your lovability is 100%? Do you try to get them to love you more for your sake? How? Does it work? Why or Why not?

10. Who do you want to be in this relationship? What kind of spouse, sister, employee, etc.? Make sure you think about this separately from the other person's behavior—don't let that determine who you are. Decide who you want to be.

- How do you want to feel? Why?

- How do you want to act and show up? Why?

- What do you want to give and offer this person?

11. How do you want to think? Remember that your relationship with someone is all about your thoughts about them and yourself in that relationship. There are 3 categories of thoughts you need to manage in each relationship:

- How do you want to think about yourself in this relationship?

- How do you want to think about them in this relationship?

- How do you want to define and think about your relationship together?

Fun Bonus: Write a letter that you send (or don't):

I've been meaning to tell you...

I admire you for:

I'm thankful for:

I remember when:

You have shown me how:

You told me:

I'm grateful for:

I love you because:

My other favorite way to do this is with The Work by Byron Katie.

Click HERE to be taken to her website.
Follow the instructions.

The Work consists of 4 questions and a turnaround. You still start by Judging the person who is upsetting you. Then, you pick one judgement and take it through these 4 questions:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know it is true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

Turnaround: Consider if the opposite is true. (more explanation for how to do this on her website.)

There are a number of ways to organize the steps we take after we have a nervous system response. This is mine:

1 Recognize: You need to learn to notice in real time that you are having a nervous system response (fight, flight, freeze, fawn.)

2 Reconceptualize: Many of us respond to our fight or flight response in unhelpful ways. We either judge it and try to override it with logic, especially if we recognize that it is a false neuroception (meaning that we aren’t actually in any danger) or we panic and react in a way that increases the response. Instead, we want to learn to step back and recognize it for what it is: a mobilization of resources, information from your nervous system, and your brain trying to keep you safe.

3 Return: Usually what is happening is that something in the present is remind the nervous system of a time from the past when we were genuinely in danger. So, the first step to feeling safe again is solidly grounding yourself in the here and now.

Release: Next, you need to release the pent up energy from your body through movement or crying.

Rest & Restore: Finally, take time to self-sooth and self-comfort.

If you’re not sure if your response is a nervous system one, try these steps anyway. It won’t harm you to do them, but assuming your reaction is simply a bad habit can leave you stuck.

Before we get into any sort of “how to” around chronic pain (also known as neuroplastic pain) I want to make sure you guys understand my personal story around this.

While I cannot guarantee that what worked for me will work for you in the same way, I do want to be able to share what I’ve learned.

Some things to keep in mind as we discuss the mind-body connection and pain:

1. All pain is created by the brain, therefore all pain is real pain. I’ve experiences both and they hurt just as much.
2. While we can put pain into broad categories of structural vs neuroplastic, there is still a mind-body connection. Therefore, I believe it makes sense to always address both aspects of pain simultaneously.

3. (I don’t know if I actually said this directly in the video, so I’ll say it there): A brain that gets wired towards pain can also be wired away from it.

4. Even if your brain is rewired, your nervous system may simply go to this method of getting your attention faster than others.

While each person’s journey with this is unique, I want to do my best to put some of these concepts into “steps.”

Step 1: Check to see if there is a structural issue that needs to be addressed.

Step 2: Understand pain in a clinical way. It is a signal from your brain that creates a sensation in your body. The ability to feel pain is a good thing in general. The body is sending a pain signal to get your attention.

Step 3: Experience your pain neutrally. Feeling these sensations and then feeling fear, anxiety, or a fixation about it increases it and makes it worse. Learning to understand what is happening and that it is safe to be with this neuroplastic pain is a huge step.

Step 4: Build a new pathway.
With the pain neutrally in your awareness, bring in positivity through smiling, laughing, doing something that bring you joy, gratitude, etc.

Repeat + combine with nervous system regulation and somatic stress release activities.

Tips:
- Pain is often tied to buried emotions, so you may also need to explore that.
- It can be helpful to keep an objective record about your pain levels and physical abilities to help to remind yourself that you are getting better.

Self-care is not a collection of activities, but rather a collection of attitudes.

Why and how we do various activities is what determines whether they are self-care for us.

This is a clip from a live session where I talked a bit about Parts Work, also known as Internal Family Systems (IFS).

The basic idea is that we all have different parts within us and by hearing from all these parts we can heal, get out of ongoing patterns of behavior, and make decisions from our true selves.

Love is unconditional when it isn’t based on something that can change. Don’t love people for things about them that can change - like their appearance or as specific aspect of their appearance.

Love people because you choose to.

Don’t love your body for things that can change - like how it looks or what it is able to do. Love it because it’s yours and you choose to. Don’t love yourself for things that can change - like what you are able to accomplish to a narrow view of how you show up in the world. Love yourself because you choose to. You can absolutely APPRECIATE all these things, but not base your love on them (if your aim is unconditional love).