How to do Everything

Accepting Reality simply means that we acknowledge what is factually true.

While most people think of acceptance as synonymous with giving up, it is actually how we move forward.

If something is a fact, by definition it isn’t changeable, so what is there to do except accept it?

Well, a lot apparently! Most people spend a lot of time in denial or resistance. They direct their energy towards obsessively wishing it was different, and saying it shouldn’t have happened.

We cannot change what happened in the past. But we can control what narrative we tell about it and how we behave now in the present.

Steps:
1. Identify Reality (the facts without any interpretation)
2. Acknowledge that those are the facts.
3. Use that information to make conscious choices related to what you can control.

No matter what we are talking about: external circumstances, the past, the present, external circumstances, other people, or ourselves; and no matter what we are working towards; accepting reality is a necessity.

If we can’t control it, we need to accept it.

That leaves us with the things we can control to focus on and make conscious choices about.

In a nutshell, what we can control are our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that we choose in the present moment.

And, because our thoughts create emotions and our emotions drive actions, we get the most traction when we focus on wisely selecting our next thought.

No matter what your goal is, being in self-partnership is going to help you get there. By “self-partnership” I mean working WITH yourself, rather than AGAINST yourself.

There are different levels of this that I want you to consider. While the first (planning) will apply to most situations, the second (partnership) and the third (personal evolution) may not make sense in all cases.

1. Planning: Accepting what is true and factoring it into any planning you do.

For example, if you know your wellness varies day to day, don’t create a plan that requires you to show up with the same level of energy and ability every day. Make a plan that factors in and allows for the variations that are your current reality.

2. Partnership: Seeing a part of yourself that you may have previously considered an enemy as being on the same team as you and working towards the same ultimate goal of your wellbeing.

For example, if you find yourself experiencing “triggers” often, can you go beyond planning for those and factoring them into the equation to seeing them as something positive. Can you see these triggers as the nervous system doing its job to keep you safe rather than a thing that is there to keep you from your goals? It may be inconvenient at times, but your nervous system is doing its best to keep you safe.

3. Personal Evolution: How can you partner with the circumstances to grow as a person?


Ultimately, there are 2 main goals in self-partnership.

The first is practical: by factoring in the factual truth of yourself, you are much more likely to succeed.

The second is deeper: by looking to yourself as a foundation for decision-making, rather than looking outside yourself for guidance, you can begin to cultivate Self-Trust.

Compassion is defined by emotional researchers as the feeling that arises when we are confronted with another person’s suffering and feel moved to relieve it. Self-Compassion is simply when we redirect those same warm feelings towards ourselves.

Self-compassion is all about making space for your humanity in a way that will decrease your level of suffering rather than increasing it.

Compassion is necessary for forward progress, healing, and growth.

When we are not in self-compassion, we are confronted with our suffering and then increase it through harshness, self-judgement, self-criticism, etc.

When we are in self-compassion we can meet our suffering (failures, mistakes, flaws, etc.) with warm feelings, deep understanding, self-comfort, and practical help.

Many people mistake compassion for permissiveness or believe it will result in inaction. The opposite is true. The path to success is paved with compassion. Only when we are able to hold compassionate space for ourselves will we be able to see and understand the truth at a deep enough level to be able to truly heal, grow, and change the patterns that are keeping us stuck.

We fear what we do not understand and so few of us truly understand emotions - either our own or in general.

I want you to know that emotions are messengers. They contain valuable information that we need. When we don’t allow them in, we miss out on that information.

Most of the reasons why don’t move forward are emotional ones. When we are willing and able to feel all our emotions and we allow them (and don’t resist them) we can move forward in life with significantly less resistance.

Most people jump in with a plan of what they will do, or endless thoughts about what the “right” action to take is without ever considering their true and deep motivations.

I believe that what we do is neutral. Why we do it matters.

Consider areas such as:
1. “Healthy” Habits.
If you eat a salad from self-loathing, it is a hateful act, not a caring one.

2. Personal Development
If you journal, meditate, work on your mindset, or practice gratitude because you believe you’re broken, the entire process will only confirm in your own mind that is true.

3. Conversations
When you are deciding whether to have a difficult conversation with someone, what is the true reason? To try to change them? To discharge your own emotional energy? The energy and motivation for these conversations is significant.

4. Decision Making
Are you choosing based on fear? desire? wisdom? victimhood? people-pleasing?

5. Goal Setting
What do you want to achieve and why? Is it from love and power or an attempt to heal a wound? Often we set goals and then tell ourselves that once we achieve them we’ll be allowed to think a certain way about ourselves, but you are always allowed to think that way about yourself now.

The best energy (thoughts and emotions) to bring to any endeavor is the energy you think you will have when you succeed.

Figure out what you believe will be different there and use it to fuel the current activity.

Tis is how we live into the future we want to create.

Believing that we are innately valuable and worthy, whole and complete, is not a fluffy concept meant to make you feel good.

It is a necessary foundation for being able to take positive, productive action towards your goal.

If you do not believe you are worthy and valuable, and feel lacking or broken, you will likely not take action at all, believing you lack what it takes to succeed.

Or much of your energy will be spent thinking about whether or not you are enough, filtering all of your experience through that lens, making meaning out of every small word or action from others, and believing the outcome of ventures determine the truth of this.

Or, you will take a lot of action and find yourself in hyper-achievement or perfectionism as a way to try to earn your worth and/or to protect people from seeing the “truth” of your brokenness.

All of this takes up valuable time and energy, which prevents us from using that energy productively.

When you believe that you are enough and that is something that is innate to being a human being on planet earth, when it is unconditional, this frees you up take action.

Those who believe in their own value are much more likely to share their value with the world. They are much more likely to be able to take failure in stride as a part of the path to success.

The truth is, when you are grounded in your enoughness you will spend very little time or energy thinking about it at all, freeing up all your energy for taking productive action towards your goals.

We are responsible for the results we create for ourselves.

By results, I do mean tangibles, but moreso the way we experience our reality and who we become through the process. There is a LOT in life that we can’t control, but this is one we can.

This isn’t a weapon to use against ourselves, but rather the information we need to be able to LEARN in a way that moves us forward.

Self-Awareness is a skillset that must be cultivated. It requires the bravery and courage to ask ourselves the hard questions.

But, in order for it to be beneficial and not detrimental, it has to be done in a way that is blame-free and shame-free.

We need to be deeply honest with ourselves to learn from the situation. And then, we move on, taking those lessons into the next iteration.

Drama in relationships happens when we are playing one of the following roles:

• The Rescuer: who swoops in to save others that they see as vulnerable or needing it; offers help without being asked.

• The Victim: who doesn’t take responsibility for their own situation.

• The Persecutor: who blames others and whose use of power is negative and often destructive.

And when we take one of these roles, we often unknowingly force someone else into another.

We can switch back and forth among these roles.

The solution is to move towards empowerment:

• The Rescuer becomes a COACH: They are caring, but ask , “How can I help you?” instead of just taking over. The key still here is LISTENING.

• The Victim becomes the CREATOR: They accept their own vulnerability, realizing they have power, too, and think about options. The key skill is PROBLEM SOLVING.

• The Persecutor becomes the CHALLENGER: They find constructive ways of getting their needs met without punishing others. They call forth growth in others. Key skill: ASSERTIVENESS.

The most important thing to know about relationships is that any relationship can be 100% healthy (for you) if you are 100% healthy. It never requires others to change.

Sometimes, part of being the CHALLENGER is setting clear boundaries. Keep in mind that boundaries are actions you take to keep yourself safe. Boundaries are never about controlling other people.

Most people do not need to set a boundary if they:

1. ARE HONEST - being clear about what they like and don’t like; want and don’t want.

2. MAKE REQUESTS - if you want or need something, try asking for it first. Don’t assume people do (or should) just know.
   

When it comes to taking action in a relationship, the goal is always about you and your experience of the situation. It is never about other people.